Monday, December 22, 2008

dating trends.

During my the last few years in the singles scene I have noticed the following trends in my dating life:

1.) The men who pick me are much better than the men I pick.

When I walk into a room, I admit it, I give it a good scan. There's no shame or blame in that, ha. Generally, at first glance I am attracted to men who are: tall, dark headed, big boned (not over weight, but with a little love) and smiling. I am also attracted to men who exude a certain, cocky, bad-boy attitude and that's where I tend to screw up. In the past I've dated drug dealers, drug users, losers who never work and notorious bar-fighters. I've drooled over motorcycle tough-guys and "i'm rich bitch" cocky assholes. 

They've always ended up breaking my heart or pissing me off enough to have declared lesbianism 1,000,000 times. My declaration never sticks - I just love the dick.

I get hit on by all types of men. Sleezy, slow, classy, ugly, sexy, moderate, poor, rich, fat, skinny and so on. However, some of the nicest guys that I've dated I never would have given a second look if they hadn't approached me. That guy is generally the "nice guy," the everyone girl loves him, but wouldn't date him guy, the small guy who was probably quiet in high school and they guy who has a nice job now and finally has confidence. They're the type I should go for.

2.) Older men are more attracted to me than men my age.

I can't say exactly why this occurs, but it does. Not all of these men are extremely older, some only a year or so, but many of them are 5+ my senior. They've told me I don't "act my age," that I present myself as being more mature and sexy than a mere 22. I appreciate that.

They like to "figure me out," like I'm some sort of puzzle because I have confidence and a good sense of self. I don't see what that's so freaking special, but I can't say it isn't flattering.

I like older men more anyway. Men generally mature slower than women, so older men are closer to my level than guys my age; I'm reluctant to even call guys my age men. 

3.) Most of them are more sexually inexperienced than they should be.

It just throws me for a loop...especially, since most of them are older than me. 

I have always been a firm believer that a woman cannot truly be please by a man without first knowing how to please herself. If you don't know what gets you hot, how are you suppose to let anyone else know; male or female? How these men who are 5+ years older than me have gotten by without knowing the location of a woman's clit is beyond me. How they've gone so long without understanding that good finger fucking doesn't mean jamming two fingers inside me like trying to chip paint off a wall, but using gently come-hinter motions on the g-spot - I have no clue.

My best guess is that all the women they'd been with before didn't have the nerve to tell them they were clueless, let alone teach them. All the men who spend more than one night with Miss Jade come out with a better knowledge of cuming and that's no lie.

4.) People love them.

Out of the slew of different men I've dated, seen, slept with, swooned over and so on, there is only one thing that they have all had in common. They have all been mister popular, mister everybody loves them, the guy everyone screams at when he walks in to a room and the guy no one wants to leave.

They've all been confident and funny. Class clowns, low-class social superheroes and party directors. 

They've all kept me smiling and made my side split with laughters. They've made me want them by simply being lovable and not even knowing it.

It's the one thing they've all had in common and the one thing I wouldn't change about any of them for a second.

5.) They're always momma's boys.

I haven't really deduced why this is, but for some reason the almost all of the men I've ever dated, have been in love with their mother. They wanted me to act like their mother. They wanted to be doted on, complimented, encouraged, cooked for, cleaned up after, etc. Even the rough-tough ones. The "i'm a hard ass" guys - big pussy, momma's boys.

It just blows my mind. They all had stay-at-home, brownie baking, apron wearing, tuck-you-in-at-night mommies. I didn't quite grow up with that and the fact that these overly confident men need it, annoys me, to be frank.

Perhaps that's the reason they're confident. Their mommies pumped them so full of shit that they think they never stink.


It was quite an interesting realization for myself to come up with this list and could possibly be the reason most of my relationships have gone sour, but thinking on it now, I realized that The Consultant carries all of them and things are still going great. Perhaps he'll be my exception or perhaps he'll be just another chapter. Either way he certainly is a note worthy character.

Friday, December 12, 2008

outing myself.

In a half tipsy moment of sharing I told The Consultant about my blog.

Mothingfuckingcockersuckershitdamnbitch. I'm an idiot.

He is the ONLY one I've told. Even my closest pseudo-sister-best-friends don't know.

I didn't tell him the title or my pen name. He promised that he wasn't going to try and find it. I'm a little doubtful. The curiosity might get the better of him.

I hope this doesn't come back to bite me in the ass.

More later...

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

avoiding an office romance.

This past Friday was my company Christmas party.

It was the first time I'd ever seen anyone outside of the office and I feared that it was going to be awfully awkward. Surprisingly, I had a good time.

First of all, it's always interesting to finally be able to put a face to a name. At work I am always hearing stories about people's families and/or significant other. I found out that many of my co-workers are gay. Some that I would have never even considered, like the head of my company.

To be honest, I find it much more relaxing to work under a gay man than I do a straight man. Mostly, because I don't have the constant fear that my boss might be checking me out or that their could ever be any sexual tension or awkward accidental flirtations. Despite that fact that society has become much more liberal and accepting of homosexuality, I still think it probably took a lot for him to get into the position that he is in, especially since he is older and probably moving up the ladder during a time that was not so relaxed. I say "Bravo!" to him and to everyone else who is not afraid to be who they are and love who they want.

Other than this small office awakening that I experienced there was a little bit of an issue. I suppose it's not so much of an issue as a complication.

In general, I have made it a point not to drink with my co-workers. However, it was our company Christmas party and so I felt that a glass of wine or two would be appropriate. [Don't worry this isn't a drunken disaster story again] It was one of my co-workers birthday and everyone was invited to a bar down the street after the party. At first I didn't think it was a good idea to go, but I was having such a good time and I really wanted to get to know my co-workers better, so I decided to go after all.

Shortly after we were at the bar and I got to talking with this very attractive man from my office. He and I had only spoken a few times before as we don't really work together that often. Usually, we casually say hello in the kitchen or sometimes we speak on the phone about his client deadlines, but that's about it. Oh and he is gorgeous, but I thought he was married. I'm not sure why. He doesn't wear a wedding band, but he puts up a bit of an "i'm taken" attitude.

A little while later, one of the younger women at the office who is the closest to my age called me over to her. She told me that her and a couple other women saw me talk to Attractive Office Man and thought we would make a cute couple. They went on and on about what a nice guy he is and how he's the typical "nice guy who finishes last." For nearly ten minutes they tried to convince me that I should go for him. I told them that it's never a good idea to go out with someone that you work with; it only causes conflict. Don't get me wrong, he's beautiful to look at and if we didn't work together I would in a second.

It was pretty obvious what these ladies were trying to do. They didn't hide it at all, which made for a very uncomfortable situation. I continued to talk to him anyway, mostly because he was good company and nice on the eyes.

Finally, I got a hold of my roommates who were at a bar not too far from where I was. I invited Attractive Office Man with me to meet them. At first I wasn't sure if I should, but when I mentioned where I was going, he was more than happy to help me get there. He called his cab driver friend and got us there in a gif.

While we were at the second bar he and I got to talking. Mostly he talked to me about work, which was boring, but I'm guessing he wasn't sure what else to talk to me about. Around closing time we had the following conversation:

Attractive Office Man: I think you're really sexy.
Me: Oh, well thank you.
Attractive Office Man: *smile*
Me: Do you mind if I ask how old you are?
Attractive Office Man: I'm 30. How old are you?
Me: You want to guess?
Attractive Office Man: 25?
Me: Lower.
Attractive Office Man: 24??
Me: I'm 22.
[I literally saw his jaw hit the floor, bounce and hit the floor again]
Attractive Office Man: I never would have guess that based on your job and how you carry yourself.
Me: Yeah...

Within minutes of that conversation my roommates and I left the bar.

Yesterday, of course, he was one of the first people I saw when I got to work. We cordially said hello and went on with where we were going. I really hope that no one starts speculation and that those women don't keep encouraging it. Although, today I did get a personal e-mail from him at work. It was very casual. He just wanted to make sure that my roommates and I made it home safely on Friday. I was brief and friendly, but not flirty.

It would never work...

being settled.

I apologize for being MIA lately on here. I've been busy just living life without much excitement.

I realized the other day that I haven't written because I have been pretty content lately. No problems personally or professionally. I've been keeping my alcohol intake to a reasonable level, with which I plan to continue, even on New Years Eve (we'll see how that goes ;). Things with The Consultant are nothing short of a dream and so I've felt as if I have had very little to talk about.

Now that I'm finally settling into my new place in life, I have to say it's refreshing, but a gives me just a tinge of unease.

I didn't expect to settle in this place so quickly. I suppose on one hand it's a good thing. It's a sign that I have found a good place for myself. On the other hand, I am afraid of getting comfortable and bogged down. There is still so much that I want to experience and so many places I want to go.

I know that realistically, at this point in time and in this economy, I can't be as much of a drifter as I would ideally like to be, but I can't help but yearn for it.

I have also started to get very comfortable with The Consultant. We have been going out on dates consistently for almost 2 months now. This past weekend was the first one since I met him that we didn't do something together. I didn't expect to find someone like him.

It's been three years since I've dated a man exclusively. I am trying to just go with the flow and not think too much about the details and I haven't until just recently. He and I got into a discussion about our relationship and relationships in general. It was when I learned that he's never had a serious girlfriend. I found that very surprising since he's 27. It makes me wonder if he has trust and/or commitment issues or if he has just been enjoying the single scene as I have been for the last few years.

He told me that his roommate has recently been telling all of their mutual friends that I am his "girlfriend." It bothered him.

We very briefly had an uncomfortable conversation about the "status" of our relationship and it went something like this:

The Consultant: She's telling everyone you're my girlfriend.
Me: Oh...
The Consultant: You're not my girlfriend. [long pause] Are you?
Me: I suppose not.
The Consultant: Do you tell people I'm your boyfriend?
Me: No. I tell people that we've gone out on a few dates, but that's it.
The Consultant: Well....I mean, we've gone out on more than a few.
Me: Yea, but you just said, I'm not your girlfriend.
The Consultant: Do you want to be?
Me: I don't know. We don't have to talk about this now.

On other occasions since then, he's told me that I have everything he's looking for and he isn't seeing any other women. He's told me that loves being around me and that I'm one of the only women who he's been able to be himself around. He's confused and fighting with himself, clearly.

I'm afraid that if we put a label on ourselves than everything will just go to shit. I don't want that. We work so well together. We laugh constantly, every time we're together it's an adventure and I can actually talk to him, literally about anything. I haven't gone out with a guy that I can have a good conversation with in years.

I don't know if I want to be committed to him either. He's the first guy I've gone out with in my new city. I literally met him my first weekend in town.

I know that he's going to bring it up again soon and I feel like I should have something in mind to say back. It's weighing on me. Part of me wants to be with him and feel that closeness again (perhaps, fall in love) and part of me wants to stay single & fabulous in my new city!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

the time I could have gone to jail.

Yeah, oppps...

I could have gone to jail.

Saturday night my new roommates and I held a fantastic dinner party. We had about 20 guests and more food than we could eat, with even more wine!

After stuffing ourselves on the amazing turkey dinner we'd prepared our house full of people went into the city for drinks and dancing.

By the time we left, I'd killed a bottle of wine all by myself and polished off a shot of tequila with my roommates. We got to the bar and it was packed. I was with The Consultant (don't worry I'll update you about him soon) and we decided to leave and go to another, less crowded bar with his best friend.

I was a little nervous to be out with The Consultant's best friend and decided it would be a "good idea" to order a round of tequlia (yes, more) shots for everyone. After downing a couple more drinks we headed back to his place.

I remember very little after that...

I remember being on the ground and hugging a railing.
I remember feeling like I was going to die.

From what I've been told by The Consultant, we left the bar, after I insisted we go back and have sex. After about 3 blocks or so my legs started to give and I hit rock bottom wasted. I could barely walk and just kept falling all over the ground. Then I sat down and started hugging a railing and puked. Ugggh...

Apparently, we were near a 7/11 and a woman came out and said she was calling the police. At that same moment a random stranger was walking by and offered to help The Consultant with me. Coincidentally, the stranger lived in the same building as The Consultant. I guess, he tried to pick me up and I was screaming that I didn't know him and he said, "Don't worry, hun, I'm gay. I'm not going to hurt you," and he scooped me up in his big gay arms and carried me all the way to The Consultant's apartment.

I want to send him flowers. There are good people out there.

I woke up the next morning completely clothed, coat and all, not knowing how I got there. I apologized a 1,000,000 times to The Consultant. He keeps telling me it's okay and that he doesn't think any differently about me, but I'm still thoroughly embarrassed that he saw me like that. *sigh*

I also woke up minus my purse. I have no idea where it is. Lost my phone, keys, ID, blah, really blows. My body was so busted and sore. My feet are still tore up and my knees are black and blue.

I feel like such an asshole.

We also found out the next morning that The Consultant went the ATM (which he doesn't remember) and left his card in it and someone took out $200. It's really creepy to think that someone was watching him. The good thing is that the bank is going to reimburse him.

We're quite a pair.

I'll update more on The Consultant soon.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

4 days with The Consultant.

I spent 4 days in a row with The Consultant.

Thursday, we met up for dinner and drinks.

Friday, he decided he wanted to cook me dinner at my place. The food was fantastic, the wine was flowing and the chemistry was undeniable. He ended up staying the night.

Saturday, we went out to watch football at the bar where we met. After the game we went back to his place and fell asleep.

This morning he came with me back to my place to pick up some of his things and stayed for a couple of hours just lounging on the couch with me.


That's a lot of time to spend with someone. I don't know how I feel about it or him.

- He makes me laugh the whole time I'm with him.
- He has a big personality and people love him (which is so sexy).
- He's considerate and sincere.
- He's relaxed and easy-going.
- He's very sexual (just like me).

- He's 5 years old than me and tries to give me advice a lot.
- He's a little particular about some things, like food/restaurants, music and clothes.
- I think he might be a little hung-up on this "girl"friend named G.

On Saturday night, he had a few too many drinks and gave me a little honest hour. He said that he likes me and enjoys spending time with me , but: 1.) he's got commitment issues [who doesn't] and 2.) he doesn't like the fact that I just moved here and haven't had time to get settled and figure out what I want out of this town.

I told him that despite that fact that I'm younger, I've dated a lot of men and know the type I'm looking for and that he shouldn't be making decisions based on what he thinks I want/need. I have no idea if he even remembers that conversation or not...we didn't talk about it in the sober light of day.

We fooled around instead ;)

Monday, November 3, 2008

emotional control.

Sometimes when I'm alone I have overwhelming emotional moments. I feel like my worries and dreams and nightmares and anxiety are filling the whole room.

I react differently to it each time.

Sometimes I just sit and stare a let my brain shut down for a while. I just look at a wall and listen to my breathing not able to move at all.

Sometimes I get angry and punch my pillow or pick up a random object and throw it across the room. And I scream really heavily under breath, deeply and with enough force to allow for relief.

Sometimes I cry out of nowhere. I sob with my whole body and let it drain out of my pores.

I despise these moments.

In those moments I have no control. My body and my emotions have taken over and I feel helpless.

I'm not one to be helpless.

I understand though, that I need these moments. Everyone does.

Moments of utter relief from the stress of life.

I find it ironic that one must lose control in order to keep it.

I'm deep sometimes.