Tuesday, December 9, 2008

being settled.

I apologize for being MIA lately on here. I've been busy just living life without much excitement.

I realized the other day that I haven't written because I have been pretty content lately. No problems personally or professionally. I've been keeping my alcohol intake to a reasonable level, with which I plan to continue, even on New Years Eve (we'll see how that goes ;). Things with The Consultant are nothing short of a dream and so I've felt as if I have had very little to talk about.

Now that I'm finally settling into my new place in life, I have to say it's refreshing, but a gives me just a tinge of unease.

I didn't expect to settle in this place so quickly. I suppose on one hand it's a good thing. It's a sign that I have found a good place for myself. On the other hand, I am afraid of getting comfortable and bogged down. There is still so much that I want to experience and so many places I want to go.

I know that realistically, at this point in time and in this economy, I can't be as much of a drifter as I would ideally like to be, but I can't help but yearn for it.

I have also started to get very comfortable with The Consultant. We have been going out on dates consistently for almost 2 months now. This past weekend was the first one since I met him that we didn't do something together. I didn't expect to find someone like him.

It's been three years since I've dated a man exclusively. I am trying to just go with the flow and not think too much about the details and I haven't until just recently. He and I got into a discussion about our relationship and relationships in general. It was when I learned that he's never had a serious girlfriend. I found that very surprising since he's 27. It makes me wonder if he has trust and/or commitment issues or if he has just been enjoying the single scene as I have been for the last few years.

He told me that his roommate has recently been telling all of their mutual friends that I am his "girlfriend." It bothered him.

We very briefly had an uncomfortable conversation about the "status" of our relationship and it went something like this:

The Consultant: She's telling everyone you're my girlfriend.
Me: Oh...
The Consultant: You're not my girlfriend. [long pause] Are you?
Me: I suppose not.
The Consultant: Do you tell people I'm your boyfriend?
Me: No. I tell people that we've gone out on a few dates, but that's it.
The Consultant: Well....I mean, we've gone out on more than a few.
Me: Yea, but you just said, I'm not your girlfriend.
The Consultant: Do you want to be?
Me: I don't know. We don't have to talk about this now.

On other occasions since then, he's told me that I have everything he's looking for and he isn't seeing any other women. He's told me that loves being around me and that I'm one of the only women who he's been able to be himself around. He's confused and fighting with himself, clearly.

I'm afraid that if we put a label on ourselves than everything will just go to shit. I don't want that. We work so well together. We laugh constantly, every time we're together it's an adventure and I can actually talk to him, literally about anything. I haven't gone out with a guy that I can have a good conversation with in years.

I don't know if I want to be committed to him either. He's the first guy I've gone out with in my new city. I literally met him my first weekend in town.

I know that he's going to bring it up again soon and I feel like I should have something in mind to say back. It's weighing on me. Part of me wants to be with him and feel that closeness again (perhaps, fall in love) and part of me wants to stay single & fabulous in my new city!

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